The Blood of Small Minded People is Bad
by Who the Bleep are the LU
Summary: Before Edward takes Nessie out on her first hunt, he teaches her about the small-minded "Illiteracy Union" and how their blood will make her stupid. During their hunt they meet the Dull-witted group, but manage to escape without losing brain cells.


The Blood of Small-Minded People is Bad

"Nessie, come in here please," Edward said quietly and Nessie could totally hear him due to her super-sonic extra-awesome vampire hearing.

"Yes daddy?"

"I'm going to teach you to hunt!"

Your average youngster would jump up and down, but Nessie was super-intelligent and even though she was only five-years-old chronologically, she was like fifty-four in dog years. Or something like that. Jacob was still trying to do the math, because he was one frustrated teenager since the whole thing with her mom went bust.

ANYwhoo…back at the vampire hunting ground…

"First things first. There are a group of people who hide behind "the rules". They are known as the "IU" or "Illiteracy Union". They feel the rules are so important that they shun The Constitution. They believe in censorship. They engage in child endangerment while claiming to protect the children."

"Daddy, I know you used to think you had no soul, but these sound like actual soulless creatures."

See, even though she was only five, her vocabulary was so good because…you get the point.

"Yes, honey, and that's why they're going straight to hell when they die, while the people whose stories they take down get on the express elevator to heaven for having to put up with this level of idiocy."

Nessie's eyes got wide. Even with her older brain, she tried to understand how people could be this stupid, but failed.

"Nessie, these people will have names like "Never Herd of a Dickshunary" and "Pea-brainSaurus" and "I-read-And-Promote-Porn-While-Taking-It-Down-Saurus" and "I-can't-Write-Or-Spell-While-I-put-Others-Down-For-Not-Being-Able-To-Write-Or-Spell-Saurus" and "The-Nazis-Had-A-good-Idea-With-That-Book-Burning-Saurus."

"Daddy, how are these people still alive with no brains in their heads?"

"Nessie, to be honest, that is the only mystery surrounding these brain-dead creatures. It might be like how we survive with no heart and no blood. Perhaps instead of a brain, something else has crawled into their heads that allows them to survive, but made them incapable of thinking for themselves, which is why they all say the same thing the same way."

"So, Daddy, why are you telling me about this?"

"Well, Nessie, if you come upon one of these creatures, and you'll be able to tell because they will have a dull expression on their face and say everything in unison, you must stay away. As much as you'd like to drink them dry and take one more Insane Book-burning Fascist off the face of the earth, I'm afraid if you drink their blood, you'll get violently ill."

Nessie gasped.

"Really Daddy?"

He nodded.

"I'm afraid so. You see, it was only a theory. So one day I convinced a bad Nomadic vampire to drink from one of them…"

"What happened??? Please tell me!"

"Well, he immediately got that same dull expression. He started talking drivel. Nothing he said made any sense. He had no sense of self-preservation at all. He went out during the day and sparkled. The Volturi had to take care of him."

Nessie's eyes were now big as saucers.

"Wow daddy. There can't be a lot of them because there can't be that many people who honestly believe what these people are doing is positive and good."

For, you see, although Nessie's brain was big and could comprehend advanced concepts on an intellectual level, she was not yet wise to the ways of the world and how easily people could be swayed, even by the dim-witted.

He showed her history books, filled with people who thought their ideas were righteous, and thus sought to squelch any and all creativity in the world.

He taught her about McCarthyism and Nazism. How great works were destroyed in the name of what was "right" and "good" and "following the rules".

The myriad of people who were involved in groups that did horrendous things, but members of that group turned their heads and said "I do not agree with them" while simultaneously being involved with the group and supporting it. Saying "what they do is none of my business" while getting involved in the business of others without permission.

"You see, they are a group that talks out of both sides of their mouths. They talk about the rules, but neglect the rules of law. They preach about protecting the children, while filling their heads with poison and letting them read the very things they are taking down…so that they don't read it, which they wouldn't if they weren't told to. They say they are logical, while speaking completely illogically and without sound mind."

"Oh daddy. I'm sad now."

"Don't be pumpkin. You see, we've also learned throughout history that these sorts of groups become disorganized and in-fighting occurs. They are eventually taken down by the people who think logically and are actually doing something for the greater good."

"Oh, well that makes me feel better."

"Good. Now let's go eat some mountain lion!"

--

While out hunting, Edward and Nessie came upon a group of dull-faced/dull-eyed people.

"These are the ones I was telling you about," Edward whispered in his special super-secret vampire-speak.

A woman stepped forward who had a crazy-eyed look in addition to the dull look of her people.

"I are Never Herd of a Dickshunary. I hat peepl with bad grammaricals," she said.

Both Nessie and Edward were looking at her, trying to figure out what she had said, when a young man stepped forward.

"I are Pea-BrainSaurus and I me not like bad speling and riting no either. It mak me angry. I me lik to red gud things. I are smart and gud. I think ur stoopid and bad and rong. I are smart," he said and laughed. Oddly enough, his laugh sounded much like Beavis and Butthead.

The group behind him spoke at once.

"We r da Illitaratetacy Union. We like RULEZ. RULEZ ARE GUD. We are LOGICAL and GUD! WE R PROUD dat we do gud like centhorchip! It is gud. Rulez are gud. Deez are da children we made."

A group of children stepped out from behind their parents. It was sad since they still looked so smart, but Edward and Nessie knew that if they stayed with these parents, they too would turn into mindless idiots.

"Hello. We are cheeldren of Illiterathacy Union. We luv our Kool-aid."

They all held up cups. So THAT was how they got everyone to say and do the same things!

"Rulez are gud. We lerned smut wurds becauz our parentz sed to click on stories and we do what day say."

Their parents spoke up.

"We must go flame storiez for da bad grammaricals and den misnotspell stuff while we do it. Den rite badly while telling dem DEY rite badly! Heh. Hehheheh. We so smart!"

They shuffled off in unison, with that "Dickshunary" crazy-eyed woman mumbling about "logic" and "rules". Edward and Nessie could only assume she was communicating with them in their secret language so when they went to flame stories, they would know what to say, since they were obviously incapable of thinking for themselves.

"C'mon Nessie. Sometimes stupidity hangs in the air. We'd better get out of here before we become brain-dead too."

They took off at vampire speed while praying that The Stupid Ones would either die off due to brain atrophy, or lose their brain cells at a rapid pace due to natural selection.


End file.
